12 Steps
by FearlessCornball
Summary: Barney attempts to adapt the 12 step model to help him over come a very particular addiction. BroTP, season 4 through the fight.
1. Chapter 1: The First Step

Summary: Barney attempts to adapt the 12 step model to help him over come a very particular addiction. BroTP, season 4 through the fight.

Disclaimer: I do not own How I Met Your Mother, or the characters found there in. I own nothing, well, I own a cat. But that doesn't seem relevant.

***The First Step***

"_Kids, there's a long list of places I would have expected to find your Uncle Barney in the middle of the day. Strip clubs… Bars… Adult bookstores. . . Tailors. . . Laser tag. . . Maybe even work, but there was one place that I would never have expected to find Barney Stinson…" _

Dr. Grossbard is a total quack. That was the only conclusion Barney could come to as he stared into the crappy cup of coffee he held in his hands. Only a total quack would send someone as utterly awesome as Barney Stinson to a church, at noon, on a Tuesday.

When Dr. Grossbard, hereafter referred to as "the Quack," had told Barney the only grounds under which he would continue their sessions was if Barney joined SCA, Barney had struggled with the acronym. Why, for example, would a psychiatrist order Barney to attend a Society for Creative Anachronism event? Sure, beating people with a sword or padded stick might be fun, if Barney were a 14 year old virgin, but it hardly seemed like sound psychiatry.

But, the Quack, in that annoying, pseudo-patient voice, had explained that the acronym stood for "Sexual Compulsives Anonymous". Like having too much sex was a problem. Like having too much money, or being too awesome, or looking too good in a suit, or drinking too much scotch. Okay, that last one might actually be a problem. But Barney did not have a problem with sex, no matter what the Quack said.

Sure, Barney couldn't _not_ hook up. He'd tried, twice, in the last six months, and had failed. That wasn't the problem though. If there was anything Barney had a "problem" with, it was. . . Well, he wasn't sure yet what to call it. He'd been toying with "Sudden Onset Feelings for Robin Scherbatsky Disorder", or SOFRSD, but, strangely, the for that acronym had already been taken. Shame there wasn't a twelve stepper for that.

_An hour and fifteen minutes later._

Stuart walked into MacLaren's, his eyes searching the bar. He found Barney sitting in a booth at the back.

"Hey, Barney," Stuart said as he approached the suit clad blond. "What's the big emergency? And why did we have to meet at a bar? You know I'm an alcoholic."

Barney smiled at the short paunchy geek. "Still?"

"Yeah, it's kind of a lifelong thing."

Barney motioned for Stuart to sit, which he did reluctantly, "I know, I was just having a little fun with you. Stuart and Barney, having a few laughs, just like old times."

Stuart looked at him cock-eyed. "What old times?"

"Exactly! So, how's the drunk thing going?"

"I'm out of here!" Stuart started to get out of the booth, but Barney shot out a hand to grab Stuart's wrist, compelling him to stay.

"Wait, wait--"Barney loosened his tie, "Stuart, I need your help."

Stuart looked at Barney cock-eyed again, "With what?"

"Stuart, I want you to be my sponsor."

"_Kids, while your Uncle Barney was busy making a mockery of a recovery process that has helped millions, your Aunt Robin and I were, well, we were falling off the wagon in our own way."_

Robin looked at Ted as he pulled back on his jeans. "God, a quickie at lunch, we are literally a cliché, aren't we?"

Ted shrugged and smiled. Ever since Robin had moved in and they had settled into this "friends with benefits" situation, Ted had been smiling a lot. Meaningless sex with his ex-girlfriend, who happened to not only be his best female friend but also his roommate, might not be the healthiest way to get over Stella leaving him at the alter, but it was better then drinking and growing a beard.

"I really got to get back to the office," he said, bending down to tie his shoes.

"Yeah, and I've got to get back to . . . Well, doing nothing." Ted looked at Robin, who was already transitioning from afterglow back to gloomy. She was in a bad place, and what they'd been doing for the last few weeks probably wasn't helping. . . But Ted wasn't in such a great place himself.

"See you at the bar later?" He didn't even really listen to her mumbled agreement before heading out the door. That left Robin, alone and naked, laying in Ted's bed.

"Yup," she said out loud, talking to herself. "That nothing isn't going to do itself."

Robin got out of bed and climbed into the shower. She took a moment to smell her body wash, its scent filling her nose and soothing her nerves. It smelled like the sea, and not low tide or the Hudson, but the good kind of sea, the kind people pay good money for things to smell like. As she bathed herself, and replaced Ted's smell with that of the ocean, she let her mind wander. She remembered the beach in British Columbia where they had filmed the music video for "Sandcastles in the Sand." She remembered the last time she had seen that video, and the smell of a certain other man.

"Stop it." She said to herself. She'd been talking to herself a lot lately; wasn't that a sign of insanity? If that wasn't then fantasizing about Barney Stinson while having sex with his best friend definitely was. But she couldn't stop. . . She had a Barney problem.

"_So, as I was saying kids, your Uncle Barney was trying to convince our friend Stuart to be his sponsor for a very specialized kind of addiction." _

"Barney. . . I didn't know you had a drinking problem." Stuart said as he settled back into the booth with Barney.

"Please," Barney said with a dismissive chuckle. "My problem is nothing as mundane as drinking too much. . . Though, seriously, stay strong with that, buddy. No, my problem is much more complex. I have SOFRSD."

Stuart looked blankly at Barney for a moment, his lips moving silently as he tried to work out the acronym.

"All you need to know, my little friend, is that it's an addiction, and I need your help to break it."

"Barney, battling addiction is a lifelong struggle."

"Maybe for you, but I'm so awesome I figure I can knock it out in a day, day and a half tops." Barney smiled at that, and thrust his hand into the air. "Sobriety five!"

Stuart shook his head and reluctantly smacked Barney's hand. "I can't believe I'm agreeing to this, but you clearly need help."

"I knew I could count on you, Stuart! Where do we start?"

"Well, we're going to start with the first step. You have to admit that you are powerless over your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable."

Barney scoffed again, "My life isn't unmanageable. My life is awesome."

Stuart put his elbows on the table and his face in his hands. "Barney, you're going to have to try a little harder than that."

"Please," again, Barney's defensive and dismissive laugh filled the booth. "So what if . . . It. . . is the first thing I think of each morning? Or if it's what I think about all day? Maybe my work has suffered, a little, and maybe it fills me with shame. . ." The confident smirk fell from Barney's face. "Crap."

"Yeah," Stuart said, a whimsical smile on his face. "Step one is not a lot of fun. But look on the bright side, it gets worse from here." Stuart grabbed a cocktail napkin from the next table and, borrowing a pen from Wendy the Waitress, scribbled something down.

"So . . . What's next?"

"Next, I'm going back to work and you are going to this address. " Stuart slide the napkin across the table and Barney saw that it had an address in midtown written on it. "Call me when you get there." With that, Stuart slide out of the booth and headed out of the bar, leaving Barney looking at the napkin.


	2. Chapter 2: Small Steps

***Small Steps****.

"_Kids, I know I've always told you that you can be anything you want to be, but if I can make one recommendation, stay away from TV News. I know Aunt Robin makes it look all cool and glamorous, but it wasn't always that way." _

"George Burns was right; television is a miserable bitch goddess." Robin said as she let Lilly into Ted's apartment. She still thought of it as Ted's apartment, not their apartment, and sure as hell not home.

"I don't think George Burns actually said that, I think it was just a punch line on the Simpsons." Lilly said, a half-hearted smile on her face. Clearly, it was going to be one of _those_ afternoons with Robin.

"Well, whoever said it was right."

"I take it the interview at Channel 4 didn't go great?"

"They wanted me to do traffic reports from Chopper 4."

"Didn't Chopper 4 crash?"

"They got a new one." Robin threw herself on the couch. "But that's not the point. I was a lead anchor, going back to traffic reports would be like President Bush running for dog catcher when his term is up."

Lilly sat down next to her friend and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Oh, Robin. . . No one would vote for him for dog catcher."

Robin laughed a little at that, and Lilly smiled, it was good to see her friend laugh, even if it was at the small things. "So, got any other leads?"

Robin grabbed the want ads off the coffee table, "Nothing on camera. News 12 is hiring an associate producer, and a friend from Metro News One says she might be able to get me an interview for a teaching position at Queens College."

"Hey, that's great!" Lilly said, trying to sound enthusiastic without sounding fake.

"We'll see."

Uncomfortable silence settled over them for a moment, and Lilly, with her usual careful touch broke it. "So, how's the sex with Ted going?"

"Lilly!"

"Oh, come on. We all know. It's not like we're blind, and you two, not all that big with the subtlety. Last night you two left in an awfully big hurry for two people whose only plans involved 'watching a western'." Lilly made sarcastic air quotes around the last three words as she spoke them.

"Crap," Robin said, turning several shades of red in the process. "Now we're going to need a new code word."

"Robin! What are you doing?!?"

"I don't know! My life is really screwed up right now and sleeping with Barney is the only thing that makes sense. And maybe it's not healthy, maybe I'm using him and I'll feel guilty about it later, maybe he's using me, but for right now I don't care!"

For a few seconds Lilly just looked at her. Robin hoped Lilly would just be silent and let the issue drop, frankly, she was in no mood for one of her friend's kindergarten style lectures. What Lilly said when she finally spoke, it wasn't what Robin expected.

"You meant to say Ted."

"Huh?"

"You said 'sleeping with Barney is the only thing that makes sense'… You meant to say Ted, but you said Barney."

Robin blinked nineteen times before answering. This was a Freudian slip of such epic proportions, that her response would have to be surgically precise in order to save face. . . "Nuh-uh."

"_Kids, while your Aunt Lilly was having fun watching Robin's tenuous grip on reality slip, your Uncle Barney was having a confrontation of his own."_

"You have got to be kidding me!" Barney yelled into his iPhone.

"Hey, Barn, where you at?" Stuart asked on the other end of the line, Barney swore he could here the little bastard smiling.

"You know where I am. I'm at 7 West 55th Street."

"Oh, you mean 5th Avenue Presbyterian? Oh yeah, I forgot that's where I sent you."

"What is it with you twelve steppers and churches? Why can't you ever meet at a strip club or a bingo hall?"

Stuart chuckled. Barney was going to kill Stuart, that's all there was too it. He was going to kill him and then seduce his widow, and if Stuart was very lucky, he'd do it in that order. "Relax," Stuart said, "You're not going to a meeting. You're here for your next step. In fact, look on the bright side, this is one is a two-for."

"Go on."

"Step 2: You must believe that a power greater then you can restore your sanity."

"I thought you said this was a two-for?"

"Let me finish. Step 3: You must decide to turn your will and your life over to that power, Barney."

Stuart heard Barney give a resigned sigh on the other end of the phone. "What do I do?"

"Go pray."

"Yeah, right, the only time I pray is if a condom breaks. Phone five!"

Stuart did not phone five. "Go pray, Barney. Call me when you're done." With that, Stuart hung up.

Barney pocketed his iPhone and straightened his tie. He made his way into the church and knelt down in one of the pews.

"Hey, what up, G? It's me, the Barnacle. I guess I never got around to saying thanks for the last time, so, uh, thanks for doing me a solid, Bro. Anyway. . . You know why I'm here. I, uh, need your help again. It's Robin, you know, you made her. . . And she is some of your best work by the way. Her boobs alone. . . But, my point, is that I don't know if you sent her here to test me, or as a punishment, or what, but she's ruining my life, and I can't seem to do anything about it. I can't be with her. . . And I hate who I am now without her. . . So I need your help, big guy. Please just make it stop. . . Okay, well, that's all I got. Stay awesome up there. . . Oh, and nice work on her ass too."

"_Little did your Uncle Barney know that at that very moment, Robin was saying a prayer of her own."_

"Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God." Robin's head was in her hands and a half a bottle of wine was sitting on the floor. She'd been going on like this for a good ten minutes now.

"So," Lilly said, in her best patient kindergarten teacher voice, "I just want to review. . . You slept with Barney six months ago."

"Yes."

"And you've had feelings for him ever since."

"That is correct."

"But rather then act on it, you instead moved to Japan."

"Also true."

"And now that you're back, you're not only living with Barney's best friend, but are sleeping with said best friend who also happens to be your ex-boyfriend as well."

"Bingo!"

"Well, I think I know how to get you back on camera. Would you prefer Maury or Springer?"

"Lilly! This is serious."

Lilly poured herself another glass of wine, so what if it was only four-thirty in the afternoon? "I'll say it is. Okay, using my gag reflex for a moment here, can I ask you the obvious question? If you want to be with Barney, why aren't you?"

"Oh, please Lil. This is Barney Stinson we're talking about. What I'm feh. . . What I'm fee. . . What I'm going through in regards to him. . ."

"Feelings. They're called feelings."

"It's like having feelings for a tank of piranhas wearing a suit. . . It's self-destructive and acting on them could only screw things up worse. I just need some time to help me get over them."

"And boning Ted, that's helping you get over them?"

"I'm going with yes. Yes, it is."

Lilly got up off the couch and grabbed her purse. "Okay, good luck with that. But when this all blows up, two people I care deeply about. . . and Barney, are going to end up very hurt. I want you to think about that, young lady."

"We're the same age." Was the entire weak defense that Robin could muster.

"Oh and there's something I think you should know about that tank of piranhas. He told me that he lo-" Just then the door to the apartment opened, and entered Ted Mosby, architect, and unsuspecting rebound guy.

"_Kids, if I had gotten home two, maybe three seconds later, things might have been a lot easier. Instead, your Aunt Lilly was forced to do some very fast thinking."_

"-oks like rain. I better head home and get my umbrella. Hey, Ted."

"Hey, Lilly."

Lilly bolted out the door as fast as she could, and Ted closed it behind her.

"Hey," he said to Robin, doing his best seductive voice, which really wasn't all that seductive but never failed to make her laugh. "Fancy meeting you here."

It never failed to make Robin laugh, except this time. This time it failed. "Hey, Ted, I gotta go, I'll see you at the bar later."


	3. Chapter 3: Step 5

***Step 5***

"Okay, I prayed, what else?" Barney said into his iPhone as he hailed a cab outside the church.

Stuart, on the other end of the line, looked at his watch. "Barney, you were in the church for 12 minutes."

"Yeah, sorry it took so long, they have a gift shop. What else?"

Stuart sighed, "Okay, step four is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself."

"Done and done. End result,_ bee-tee-double-you_, we are fully loaded up on awesome, and lame is permanently out of stock."

"Yeah. . . That's pretty much how I thought that would go. Okay, fine, fifth step. You've admitted it to God and to yourself, now you must admit to another human being the exact nature of your addiction."

"Fine, I'll tell you what SOFRSD stands for. It's Su-"

"Ah, no. The other person can't be me. That's a rule."

Really?"

"Yeah, I just made it up. Look, go find someone else to tell and call me in the morning."

"The morning? Why can't I call you tonight?"

"It's Tuesday. That's me and Claudia's "special" night."

"Ewww!" Barney hung up the phoneand tried desperately not to picture Stuart having sex. . . Nope, there it was, the mental image was stuck in his head. He finally got a cab and within minutes was standing on the edge of the fifth step.

"Marshall! Burning the midnight oil, I see. Dedication to Goliath National Bank (member FDIC) Five!"

Marshall looked across his desk at Barney and his outstretched hand, "Barney, it's 5:12. I wouldn't call that burning anything. Where were you today anyway? I called your office and your secretary said you were out."

"Mental health day, Bro." Barney said as he sat down across from Marshall, "So, you're my lawyer, right?"

"For the last time, Barney, I'm Goliath National Bank's lawyer, not your personal lawyer. I can't get you out of a parking ticket. And besides, you don't know how drive. For that matter, you don't own a car. How'd you get so many parking tickets anyway?"

"It's not about the parking tickets, it's just that I need someone to talk to about something, and I'd like it to stay confidential."

Marshall closed his laptop in frustration. "Dude, not this again. Who'd you nail this time? Ted's mom? Stella? Tell me it wasn't Stella!"

"I didn't nail anyone! . . . Well, that's not true. I did hook up with a girl at this meeting I went to earlier."

"I thought you were out today."

"Not that kind of meeting." Barney let out half a laugh at his little inside joke, "But I'll spare you the details."

"No, you won't." Marshall said with a resigned sigh.

"So I'm at this Sexual Compulsives Anonymous meeting, an-"

"Dude! You went to a sex addict meeting to pick up women? That's a new low, even by your standards."

"I didn't go there intending to pick up women. It just sort of happened."

"Then why were you there?"

"The Quack made me go."

"Who?"

"Can we please get back on topic here?"

Marshall, his curiosity fully engaged, relented. "Fine."

"Okay. . . But you can't tell Robin or Ted."

"What about Lilly?"

"Dude, please, if I thought you could keep that promise I'd be more naïve then. . . Well, you."

"Fair point."

"Okay here goes. . . Marshall, I'm. . ."

"_Kids, the pause that separated that word and the next one Barney spoke was the longest in the recorded history of man. It was longer then the pause between "will you marry me?" and the response; longer then the pause between "I'm pregnant" and the response. Entire civilizations rose and fell in that pause. And for all that pausing, all Barney could think of to finish the sentience with was something he'd already said before."_

"…In love with Robin."

****

Robin sat at the bar in MacLaren's, swirling an ice cube around an empty glass. "You know the worst part about not having a job or a home of your own is, Doug?"

"My guess would be the homelessness and unemployment," the bartender said.

"Good one. No, it's that when you need to storm off away from your ex-boyfriend, you don't have anyplace to go."

"That would have been my second guess."

"Can't go home. Can't go to the office. Only place you can go, is the bar." That's when Robin noticed Ted and Lilly walked in. "Can't go to the bar."

'There she is!" Ted said, genuinely happy to see her. She liked that about Ted. She liked a lot of things about Ted. She liked how comfortable and familiar and safe Ted was. Safe. The word rung in her head, cutting through the wine and scotch and self-loathing. He had once called himself her "Safety school." What was so wrong with going with the safety school? Other schools were scary and dangerous and out-of-state and womanizing and smelled amazing. . . Okay, those last two might not have been about schools.

"Here I am!" Robin said back, suddenly chipper.

"I was worried about you. You seemed upset when you left the apartment." See, Ted was the kind of guy who worried about her being upset. That's a nice thing, right?

"Yeah, sorry about that. The job search had me down, right Lilly?" Robin asked as she got off the bar stool and gave Lilly her best 'not a word' look.

"Totally," was all Lilly said as the trio made their way to their usual booth.

"Where's Marshall?" Ted asked.

"He's stuck at work. . . With Barney." Lilly answered, shooting Robin her best "what do you think of that" look.

"Nobody asked where Barney was." Robin blurted out. Everyone looked at her. "Sorry, Barney's been getting on my nerves lately."

"I'd ask why, but I think it's obvious," Ted said.

"Oh, really?" Lilly asked. She was enjoying this. Robin was going to kill that bitch.

"Yeah," Ted said with a smug nod. "Barney's been cranking his weirdness all the way up to eleven lately. Trying to pick up lesbians, the old man makeup, Not a Father's Day, the sailor costume, et cetera. Even by Barney's standards, he's been pretty unbearable."_. _

"Oh, I don't know, Ted. Some might say that's just part of his charm. Right, Robin?"

Robin glared at Lilly across the table. Why was her friend doing this to her? "Barney? Charming? As if."

"_So, while your Aunt Lilly was working on getting through to Robin, your Uncle Marshall was dealing with Barney's bomb shell. His response wasn't exactly what Barney was expecting."_

"Oh". That was all Marshall had to say.

"That's it? Here I am, baring my soul, and all you've got for me is a vowel sound?" Barney looked exasperated. 

"I'm sorry, Barney, but . . . Lilly already told me."

"That bitch!"

"Hey, watch it! Besides, what's the big _deal?_ She also told me you chose bimbos over Robin."

"Yeah, I did. The funny thing is. . . The bimbos aren't working. I screw and I screw and I screw, but I can't get rid of these feelings." He invests as much venom into that last word as he possibly can.

"You should write greeting cards, you know that? Besides, I don't think that's how you're supposed to deal with feelings, Barn."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I'll have you know that when Shannon dumped me, I'd completely forgotten about her by the time I rolled off of Rhonda."

"Dude, first of all thanks for the lovely mental image, and second of all, no you didn't. What happened with Shannon completely destroyed you. You put yourself back together in to something that vaguely resembles a human being-"

"An awesome human being."

"Yes, an awesome human being, but a broken one nevertheless. Now, you've let someone in. Someone's gotten past all the scotch, and suits, and high-fives, and catch phrases, and bimbos, and all the other defenses, and you're terrified that you're going be broken again."

"That's just crazy talk."

"Barney, why are you here?"

"My sponsor told me I had to tell someone about my problem."

"Sponsor? Barney, you're in love. It's not a disease or an addiction."

Barney scoffed. "Like you should talk. You're married. That's like living in the crack house of love addiction."

Marshall sighed, then he stood up, buttoned his suit jacket, calmly crossed over to the other side of his office, and slapped Barney as hard as he could.

Barney saw the slap coming, like a slow motion punch from Clubber Lang in Rocky III. And he sat there, powerless to defend himself. The impact of the slap knocked Barney out of his chair, spun him around, and deposited him in a heap on the floor. Pain and shock on his face, he looked up at Marshall, who towered above him.

"That's four." Was all Marshall had to say.

"What was that for?" Barney asked, rubbing his face.

"Because it's time for you snap out of it. Now, get up off the floor, wipe the tears out of your eyes, and get down to the bar."

"The bar?"

"And once there, you're going to talk to Robin. You're going to tell Robin how you feel, and then you're just going to have to learn to live with the consequences."

"But what if sh-"

"Ah," Marshall cut him off, raising his hand menacingly, "I've got one more, and I'm not afraid to use it. Now get up. We'll split a cab."


	4. Chapter 4: 1 Step Back, 2 Steps Forward

***One step back, two steps forward***

Barney and Marshall came into the bar, and found Lilly sitting alone at their usual booth, her arms folded in front of her chest and a pouty look on her face.

"Hey, Lillypad," Marshall said as he slid into the booth next to his wife.

"You!" Lilly said, pointing an accusing finger at Barney. "This is all your fault. Would you slap him for me, please?"

"Hey!"

"Actually, I already did once tonight," Marshall said with a smile.

"It hurt!"

"Good." Marshall and Lilly said in unison.

"Will some one explain to me what is going on?"

"You just had to choose bimbos! You couldn't have manned up and dealt with this months ago. Now, Robin is upstairs, making a horrible mistake, and using Ted to do it. Now everyone is just going to end up hurt."

"Oh. . . That." Was all Barney could manage. He knew that Ted and Robin were probably sleeping together. He'd viewed it as inevitable once she moved in with Ted. He was fine with it. Fine. It's not like he had any right to be angry about whom she slept with. "Can I get a gin and tonic over here?!?" He blurted out as Wendy walked past.

"So why'd you slap him?"

"Oh, he professed his love for Robin to me today. He did it as part of his twelve step recovery process."

"Idiot."

"You know, you two aren't being very supportive right now. The woman I love is upstairs about to get it on with my best friend. . . Again."

"And whose fault is that?" Marshall asked, sounding vaguely paternal.

"Um. . . Ted's?"

"No."

"Doug's?"

"Try again."

"You two?"

Lilly looked at Marshall "Slap him again."

"_Kids, don't tell your mom I said this, but the truth is. . . Sex is fun. Sometimes when your down and life is kicking you around, a little sex can put a smile on your face, pick you back up. . . And set you up to get kicked in the stomach again. That's something I wish I had known before having 'benefits' with Robin." _

Ted kissed the base of Robin's neck, and she closed her eyes, moaning appreciatively. This was nice. This didn't hurt. When they were doing this, Robin didn't have to worry about finding a job, or a place to live, or unresolved feelings for a tank of piranhas. This was safe and pleasant. Nothing wrong with this.

They switched positions on the sofa, so that Robin was laying more on top of Ted, and she ran her hands across the fabric of his Cleveland Indians tee-shirt. Tee-shirts and sweaters, that was Ted. No Armani suits. But that was fine.

This was fine. This was the safe, smart choice; the sensible pick. She ran her hand through his hair. . . Which was kind of icky actually, what the hell did he put in his hair?

Ted could tell that she had gotten some of his hair wax on her hand, because he could hear her wiping her hand on the back of the couch. Ted took the opportunity to step up his game, and gave her some of his best moves. As hoped for, she rewarded him by letting a soft whisper escape her lips.

"_Kids, pillow talk is an acquired skill, and not everyone has it. Back when I was single, I heard some pretty bad stuff."_

"I'm such a bad girl! Send me to my room!"

"Ride me like a mechanical bull!"

"Who's your mommy? Who's your mommy?"

"_But by far, the worst pillow talk ever, happened that night."_

"Oh, Barney."

Ted stopped. Robin stopped. Everything stopped. Birds stopped in midflight and plummeted to their doom. Ted pulled away from her, and looked at her. Robin's eyes were filled with shock and fear. Instinctively, she brought her hand to her mouth. There was a long moment of silence, as the two shifted to sit awkwardly next to each other, finally, Ted broke the silence.

"Ted. You meant to say Ted."

"I'm sorry."

"Barney? Barney! Barney?!?"

"I know. I'm an idiot."

"Yeah. . . I'd say so."

"Hey!"

"You're in love with Barney Stinson." His voice was a combination of shock and amazement.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I can't believe I didn't see it. . . Does he know?"

"Of course not. Ted. . . I'm sorry if this whole friends with benefits thing. . . I'm sorry if I hurt you."

"Yeah, this was probably a really bad idea."

"Probably."

The silence settled in again, and Ted, once again broke it. "You should tell him."

"What?"

"I'm serious; you should go talk to him."

"Why? "

"Well, sleeping with me obviously didn't make it go away. It's time for the direct approach."

Robin nodded. This was what she really needed from Ted, for him to be the amazing friend he naturally was. "I guess I should go down and talk to him." She said as she got up and straightened her clothes.

"I'll walk you down, Roomy." Ted said as they headed out the door.

"_Kids, I'm not going to lie to you, things were more then just a little awkward around the apartment for a few weeks. But I think that eventually you find away to move forward. I was glad I had been there for Robin, and she had been there for me. But our futures lay elsewhere. Mine was out there __somewhere__, and Robin's. . . Robin's was downstairs."_

They walked into the bar, and found Marshall and Lilly still in the usual booth, with no sign of Barney. They slid into the booth, and Ted noticed Lilly was avoiding eye contact with him.

"Oh, Lilly knows." Ted said to Robin.

"Wait," Lilly said, "You mean Ted knows now, too?"

"Yeah," Robin said, looking sheepish. "I sort of accidentally said something about it."

"Moaned something, actually." Ted corrected.

"Dude," Marshall shook his head, trying not to laugh. "Just as soon as you're ready for us to mock you about this, you let me know."

"Where's Barney?" Robin blurted out. The other three looked at her, and she turned another shade of red.

"He's in the bathroom, oh, here he comes." Marshall answered.

"Everyone act natural!" Lilly commanded.

"Hey, Ted. Robin." Barney said, his voice almost cracking, as walked right past the booth and to the bar. "I'll get the next round."

"Okay. . . I'm gonna go talk to him." Robin said, her hands clenching and unclenching into white-knuckled fists.

"Good luck."

"You can do it!"

"You go, girl!"

Robin just sat there. Unmoving.

"Um. . ." Marshall broke the silence, "Are you going to have this conversation with Barney telepathically, because our track record at that is spotty at best."

"I can't do this," Robin said, sounding utterly defeated.

"Sure you can." Lilly offered.

"_Right then, I realized what I had to do. It was four years coming, but it was long past time for me to repay an old favor. . . "_

"Come on, Robin. I got this," Ted said as he slid out of the booth. He took Robin's hand as she got out of the booth and guided her over to where Barney stood talking with Carl.

"Ted, what are you doing?" Robin hissed at him.

"I told you, I got this."

Ted tapped Barney on the shoulder. When Barney turned around, Ted pushed Robin ahead of him and asked, "Have you met Robin?"


End file.
